'28-04-10'

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

09:50
ARRGHHH..... things are acutally kicking in and making feel worse...like my life... my french speaking is next week and i hardly know what i'm suppose to be saying!! Good start right??.... i commented on his picture saying 'lei dim gai gum Q gah?'... but no reply... WTF man.... i just maybe wanted a short reply like a simily face or something but NO.... i'm so bloody confused....@.@ ..... Haih.... this quote i made says it all "为什么你要的东西就找不到呢? 为什么我忘记不到?...我越想忘记就不可能..." leaving me with no reply probably means..i don't know u so im not gunna reply.... but i wanna be friends with u so even if u don't know me then start knowing me then!!! I don't understand boys...why when he says "i want to PAKTUO" and "I wan a gf who is CUTE,PRETTY and WHITE" but i don't think i meet any of his requirements. Its just so frustrating to know that when i go back he still won't know me... I just want things to be right for ONCE! JUST ONCE! Everytime i write on this blog about him...its just makes me cry because i try to talk to him etc etc but no replies every time or that im just too scared to talk to him when he's online on fb (plus he probs will ignore me cos he doesn't know me) The least i want is just to be internet friends..we don't even have to go out when i go back, just internet friends is good enough! But if we could be more then Yeah!! i would go for it! But i dont think i should have such high expectations because it will just be an epic fail and then i would be distraught and probably cry about it. I'm just thinking, why did i like him in the first place, his malay and moral exam pictures show he's not a very good student but i dunno why... thats maybe the feeling of like/love which cannot be expressed and described. As i said before in my other posts that i want to let go but its just nt happening i think of him undescribeably (own word). i think to myself if i don't think and worry about him then maybe the tides will change sometime and it might go my way. So i try to into the liking of other boys which i talk to but it just doesn't work...i just don't have a feeling which i do when i think of maxboy.... its stupid to think that he doesn't know me and that i like him cos thats just STUPID right? But if u believe in love at first sight then you would propbably know the feeling. Maybe your thinking oh look at your love life its not as complicated as mine or maybe aww... but i don't want sympathy and im not trying to say that my love life is one of the best but this is the only place in which i can express it. I've asked my cousin bf to introduce me to him... but that just kinda failed.. he either forgot or maxboy wasn't at school which kinda shows that we don't have fate. So i probably should give up which i am trying ever so hard but just kinda failing at the moment but im sure after another couple of months i should be over him... hoping when i go back i don't bump into him! so its fine know just kinda knowing that he doesn't know me so doesn't wanna to friends so yeah im giving up totally... hoping the very best for me not only in my love life, but life in general, health and my upcoming exams!! x
'24-04-10'

Saturday, 24 April 2010

09:11
T.T
My feelings are so mixed up... i just WANT and NEED him just to be here at this time or at least talking to me or acutally knowing me for once! I really just feel like letting go.. but i just can't everytime im on facebook there's this other person called max i know as well in malaysia... i see the name max and automatically think its him.. but when i look a bit more to the right its a completely different surname...
I just feel so confused.... people see me and think im happy because on the outside im smiling and just putting an act on for everyone but when i come home to face the computer... i just think about him smiling but... also im thinking should i be actually smiling when i was trying to let go?
I sometimes just think WOW!! my cousins are lucky.... one of my cousins got caught before having a bf, they split up and she found another one.. my family also found out and just left her to it. And i just think wow you can meet so many boys etc etc.... but look at me stuck in a girls school. You're probably thinking; go out and meet people like your friends friend or something.
But ONE: My family doesn't like me going out
TWO: Especially with boys
THREE: i babysit everyday know because my familys worker went back to his own country so there's no one to help, so i have to babysit
FOUR: I use to go to a (christian) youth club, even though im not christian, but i just enjoy the socialisation, but because of babysitting i don't have to time
FIVE: I'm the good one in the family, so what am i suppose to do?
SIX: Even though i have family love i don't have a love life
SEVEN: i haven't even come close to boy the furtherest i've gone is a hug...and im bloody 16 this year.... What a laugh right (sarcasm)
I know i have to study well to get a good career etc.. etc... my family look at me think i am not loaded with stress... but i really am fitting time with extra revision classes, going to my mum's friends house to get extra help with stuff, babysitting, homework, coursework, general revision for other classes and lastly EXAMS. There's just so much pressure i want to break down and let go of everything but i know i can't cos my family are counting on me to babysit and to stay strong. Plus i don't usually cry or break down because im not that sort of person in front of their eyes, sometimes i think im just a completely different person on this blog as i can say whatever i want and nobody in my family will be able to see this except my cousins (which i don't mind).
I try to drive my head towards another direction instead of love but its just seems like i can't. Is it maybe because i've noticed how love is suppose to be for the first time so im not willing to let go or is there no simple explaination to this?
i just want a sign, a sign to tell me whether i should keep fighting for this love where he doesn't know me or just let go and study hard for my exam....
'23-04-10'

Friday, 23 April 2010

06:48
WOW!! Its long since i've posted on blogspot...
I totally forgot about this until i remembered this afternoon and plus i wanted to just express my feelings etc.. etc...
I just feel like crying...i've seen him...but im not quite sure if he's seen me
We're about 10,000km apart...i try to make an effort but im just too scared and i think about him all.. (well most of the time), i comment on his status and just no reply....='(
and sometimes i just think WHY? Why did my cousins have to take me to their school and show the BEST looking boy at their school... If they didn't take me then this catastrophy and love sickness wouldn't occur
Then i wouldn't have liked him from the first sight...
I saw him and i was like OMG OMG he is so cute and everything that i never imagined from a boy like that... He just seemed perfect in my eyes.
On his status he says "I want paktuo" and i just wanted to really say with me.. but instead i put with who but no reply!!
Plus he wouldn't even want to paktuo with me as we're just so far apart..
Sometimes i just wish i was born in malaysia, even though there are so many more subjects and you don't earn as much money compared to England but at least i have my culture surrounding me with the boys i like and can acutally socialise with them without having to show a clevage or extra flesh to reveal unappriopriate parts of your body just to attract the boys. No, i don't want to do that and even though chinese culture is more old fashioned i think it is more appropriate and at least the girls can retain their dignity and pride.
In England most girls use their body to win over boys and eve though a HOT figure is good but u shouldn't have to flash to gain what you want.
You should use ur strength and ability to do this. This is what you call a real women.
I don't even know why i like him... he just seems so perfect.
Haih~~ i just wanna CRY!! ='(
and just give up but i just can't let go... i know it seems like im obessessed with him but what would you do if you loved someone who didn't know you so far away?
I'm not a kind of person who like to show extraa flesh and frankly to be honest i haven't got much of what boys like so it really makes no difference...
Haihss.... i just really dunno what to say....maybe just
I LIKE/LOVE/WANT/NEED HIM... (MAX***)