'24-04-10'

Saturday, 24 April 2010

09:11
T.T
My feelings are so mixed up... i just WANT and NEED him just to be here at this time or at least talking to me or acutally knowing me for once! I really just feel like letting go.. but i just can't everytime im on facebook there's this other person called max i know as well in malaysia... i see the name max and automatically think its him.. but when i look a bit more to the right its a completely different surname...
I just feel so confused.... people see me and think im happy because on the outside im smiling and just putting an act on for everyone but when i come home to face the computer... i just think about him smiling but... also im thinking should i be actually smiling when i was trying to let go?
I sometimes just think WOW!! my cousins are lucky.... one of my cousins got caught before having a bf, they split up and she found another one.. my family also found out and just left her to it. And i just think wow you can meet so many boys etc etc.... but look at me stuck in a girls school. You're probably thinking; go out and meet people like your friends friend or something.
But ONE: My family doesn't like me going out
TWO: Especially with boys
THREE: i babysit everyday know because my familys worker went back to his own country so there's no one to help, so i have to babysit
FOUR: I use to go to a (christian) youth club, even though im not christian, but i just enjoy the socialisation, but because of babysitting i don't have to time
FIVE: I'm the good one in the family, so what am i suppose to do?
SIX: Even though i have family love i don't have a love life
SEVEN: i haven't even come close to boy the furtherest i've gone is a hug...and im bloody 16 this year.... What a laugh right (sarcasm)
I know i have to study well to get a good career etc.. etc... my family look at me think i am not loaded with stress... but i really am fitting time with extra revision classes, going to my mum's friends house to get extra help with stuff, babysitting, homework, coursework, general revision for other classes and lastly EXAMS. There's just so much pressure i want to break down and let go of everything but i know i can't cos my family are counting on me to babysit and to stay strong. Plus i don't usually cry or break down because im not that sort of person in front of their eyes, sometimes i think im just a completely different person on this blog as i can say whatever i want and nobody in my family will be able to see this except my cousins (which i don't mind).
I try to drive my head towards another direction instead of love but its just seems like i can't. Is it maybe because i've noticed how love is suppose to be for the first time so im not willing to let go or is there no simple explaination to this?
i just want a sign, a sign to tell me whether i should keep fighting for this love where he doesn't know me or just let go and study hard for my exam....